one breath at a time.

This year Christmas went well i am now more officially starting homeschooling, which is a lot more convenient than regular High school. Everyone else is going back to school tomorrow but as for me i will be at home doing online school with maybe a Starbucks on the nightstand. After the holidays are over i am always so ready for the hot weather again. Not only is it easier on my lungs but its my birthday in march, and its so much quicker to put on a tee shirt and shorts:) Because my 17th birthday is soon-ish, i want to go on another cruise. This would be our 5th i think, anyway, i honestly do not know when i will need new lungs so better get as much fun smashed into one spring break and summer as i can. I have a bad feeling this summer will be my last "pre transplant" summer. In a way i am very happy, it gives me a good outlook knowing i will feel better and do things i have never been able to do before. Or that i have done but in the past year have not been able to well. I am not really sure the last time i could walk up or down the stairs in my house and not get winded like i have been running 5 miles. It seems like people who get transplants their lives are divided or referred to as " pre transplant" and "post transplant" i am sure i will do the same because your life changes so much, as well as the way you feel.Yes i know getting these prized new lungs will not be fun or easy. It will be the hardest thing i have and will ever have to do in my life i am sure. But the outcome is so worth it at this point... i remember when i was about 11 or 12 and my doctor just said the word "transplant" and i cried. That young i could never imagine that i would need one, or in that case get bad enough to need one. Looking back that was only about 5 years ago and im telling myself it needs to hurry. Living like this is on the edge of horrible. Amazingly the amount of air you take in effects EVERYTHING about your life. I see the effects every day: more treatments, more coughing. more hospital stays. more "attacks". more sitting in bed. no more going to the mall or anywhere that requires me to walk for more than around 5 or so minutes at a time. This life is like being trapped on my own body, i hate my body now and how much it hurts me to see myself in this downward path getting harder to "live" each day. My mom sometimes sees it as "being lazy". The sad thin is, its just i CAN'T anymore, my mom has never seen me this bad..or like this. She almost cant deal with the fact that i am not "lazy" its that my body really cant do the same things its been doing for almost 17 years. My mom also has it in her head that if i do a lot of running or exercise that this "stage" will go away. That is not going to happen but i keep telling myself one day it will.